Security and Stability

It takes me a while to acclimatize after leaving one environment and going to another. You would have thought I would be used to it by now, after 30+ years of moving around; but I think I never totally got used to it. Spain and the UK have very different life styles; and Ann and I lead very different life styles when compared to other people. My life in the UK is solitary; even though I live in the family home, I am separated. When I live in Spain Ann and I are together but separated by technology.

When I was in Madrid this time I had a conversation with a friend about “workaholics”. She considered herself one; and I did too. But Ann did not see herself as one; but as our friend pointed out “you probably are but you do not see it” I could see rhis met with resistance in Ann’s eyes; but It was refreshing to hear someone else see the problem and not just me.

I had been searching “workaholics” on-line; looking up books and searching for solutions (but I guess that was my co-dependency working over time). I was trying to find a solution for Ann; I thought maybe if she reads it from someone else then she can see what this obsession with work, and what technology is doing to our life together?

All that happened was that I found books for myself to read and our friend’s discussion falling on deaf ears, and Ann saying “I do not have a problem”. But to hear of someone talk about obsession, and compulsive behaviour; addiction and possible root causes, was interesting and refreshing. Living with someone who is in denial is very frustrating. Someone who can not acknowledge that there is a problem is stifling. It stops growth and can lead to me questioning my own recovery.

Yesterday Ann phoned me and she was in a stressed mood. She was lonely and was trying to find away to leave Spain, so that we can live together. Her solution was for both of us to live in Finland. I have never been there before, and she did not even know where it was! There was a job offered and she thought this is all that is needed for us to be together; as long as it was not Spain (as though Spain is the problem).

I was sucked into her offer at first. Again this “paper bag in the wind” scenario that I frequently find myself in, to be blown anywhere the other chooses, without any direction of my own. Even though my situation would be the same – having no job; going to a new country without language; without the things I consider important; this did not seem to bother her too much.

Of course I had to “promise” to be with her always, and not to go back to the UK all the time; I had to find work and I had to do some other things to “make a new home for us”. Of course nothing was said about the reduction in technology; or realizing her obsession with work is one of the reasons why I am lonely in Spain, and why I keep going back to the UK.

I have not lived in Finland but I have lived in the Baltic area and I know the dark nights and cold winter months did not have a positive effect on my depression. For Ann this was not a problem as she had work and her computer and the whole world is the same when you have these. The whole plan did not seem thought out.

It did not take me long, after we had stopped speaking, to see that I did not want this new plan. But if so, then what did I want? Well, I want stability, and I want security. I would like a home of my own, whether that is a small flat or a house or community; but I would like to call it home. I do not call Madrid home, and I cannot call my parents house mine. I think I knew what I wanted 8 years ago when I returned from Egypt; that is to live in an environment that I could build upon. I cannot do this in Madrid and I do not feel I want to take a chance in a country I have never been to before.

If it had been the opposite way around; that I have been living in 1 place for 30 years then perhaps I would welcome the change, but for me change is normal…even boring? I want to be alternative and radical and stay in 1 place more than 3 months at a time, or should I dare hope for 1 year!

Also I want to work…not to make money but to contribute something to my environment, to be a part of some community. For that I need to speak to people and feel comfortable there. This is one of the problems of living in Madrid, I never connected with people as they are too busy working and had no time to socialize…such are capital cities. They are not for me. I can live with Ann and her addictions if I can find my own space, work and hobbies.

Now I do not believe to move somewhere, to start a new life, just because of 1 person is enough. It’s maybe a good reason to begin with, but one needs to find one’s own life there too. It is not enough just to live on the presence of that person. I need a life too… Ann has hers, I need mine.

I followed Ann to Spain, as she was the one who had the job and I did not; but it was never meant to be like this, where I would not be working, it was never our plan. I never intended for Madrid to be my home. Ann looked for work in the UK for 1 year then gave up; she has not been for any interviews since, even though she is very well qualified in her field. She gave up and became “secure and stable” and did not want to change anything; this is fine but it left me unstable and insecure.

I remember her saying how she was “very happy” when at the same time I was feeling “very sad” and I realized how imbalanced we both are as people. I want her to be happy, and I compromised my own happiness to let her be happy. I sacrificed my own contentment, my own job possibilities and my self-worth to let her progress in her career – her addiction. I am responsible for fuelling her addiction and my own co-dependency.

The older I get, or the older I feel… I want security and stability. I do not think Ann can give me that. Only I can give myself that. I cannot make Ann happy unless I make myself happy, and I will not be happy if I am a “paper bag blown in the wind”.